Im so hurt.. so pain..
have i slept? i dont recall it.
Dear Luna... nothing can be done right? ive did my biggest part for this many years. I have to remind myself there's really nothing more can be done.
How am i gonna be even more hurt if i dont walk away from him now.
I havent eaten today, but i dont feel hungry, my heart hurts like hell, i wish i could stab something right into it, i feel so sick the moment i opened up that folder seeing those pics. I was the one create that folder name, i was the one change that folder's icon too...
i know you'd watch those.
i read the words 'frequent' i found a yellow folder named videos, i opened it out of curiosity, i want to puke instantly, but i was rocking my baby in my arm, the world fell on me so heavy. I need an explanation, yet you playing words with me, very soon my mind start goes viral, all those words i have believed became a great hammer keeps hitting me words by words.
I recall there's one night i found you search for porn, the samendevastated moment i had to face but just many months ago. Do i have to ask him for money again to make him scared for few weeks, or he probably would evolve into much more secure mode from me, ive lost all hopes God. Looking at my crying baby on my hand, another keeps calling me mama.. mama.. oh yes, she hasnt eaten too. but my legs are so weak, my ear sounds so distant to her voice.
Dear God, how.... how should i make him feel how i feel, how would he finally realize how much PAIN im having? why cant i just die... why not just leave the kids aside, im not sure if im able to stay sane tommorrow when they wakeup from their sleep.
I wanna die.. let those who have better lives have my life.
I was happy for a moment this noon, i did not scold my girl, and the young one smile so sweet to me. I took the picture, looking at these 2 girls, i prayed to you God, please let them find happiness that their mommy never have. Dont let their life go wasted just like mine, because i love them, i sacrifice my happiness to bring them up. I'll kill any bastards who dare to take them for granted. I did pray silently in my heart to you God, You heard that right ? So why.... this moment of truth hit me so hard.
I couldnt sleep even i close my eyes, i couldnt stand straight because my energy has drained i havent slept since 2days ago! i didnt eat!
I try to resist the idea of popping another pills, im so afraid of myself right now, i have to keep shaking away the little voices in my head telling me to swallow all the pills on my drawer. or simply bang my brain to the wall. I couldnt lit my head up to look at my wedding photo, as if the two person in there were ghost calling me "come, tear this picture and burn it to ash".
Iam so in pain right now.. there is no corner to hide, i cant find anywhere safe at all. i have cover myself with blankets and piles with pillows why i feel so cold ???