i will forwver be the one at fault.
im so sad.
i wish to runaway.
iam so hopeless.
why treat me like a garbage.
live like a dog.

you ever lose to yourself ?

sickening indeed.
he chats is good, nothing wrong nothing bad, he can judge, he wont do anything bad, midnight to morning to night again they can keep chit chat. look at his phone and smile.
me, with school mommies, is a sin. dont know whether i really befriend with aunties. everyday i eat good food. i should stop looking at my phone because i have to settles the kids.
told him so much about the damned maid.
told him how difficult i have to deal. so what? after all its still back to ZERO. its still back to his decision, still about using her. or get another HER. what the fucking difference it will make ??
cant vent anger, coz i will not win. i would be end up crying or hurt many sides, and he will be the one feels nothing. Great huh.
what a great choice of men.
what a great years of life i have endured and years of many more i have to endure.
what a loving husband i got there.
sick.

Dear God...
what kind of faith i must have in you?
you dont answer me, how i know what to do....
asking him is also pointless..
Shall i go underworld to ask for answer?
All these times, all i did not for him??? then for whooo!!
he eat well sleep well, doesnt have to wash clothes, iron scrub floor. whoo does for himmmm...
this world is so cruel.
he is so cruel.
what he did to me?
what he ever gave me???
all these years he always made me cry and cry even louder.
iam so sad.. i am so stupid..
i wish to go my lord..
i just wonder what about my kids..
i want my kids to happy.
i dont want them to live in loneliness just like my childhood.
just because of money, my whole life is ruined

Its soo tiring, not enough sleep. Morning preparing my kid to school, when she come home, i didnt get to sit and sip a glass of water. Quickly go out, purposely bring out the small stoller so that i need not to carry my baby, Yet! one great man always mess with my plan. Fine. i carry her, iam sooo tired!!! i quckily wanna go home, yet he said need to run to town, then reach the town he didnt bring the keys.
Baby already so sleepy but didnt want to sleep in her car seat. iam soo tired...i have to hold my phone along the way,it was so damn long. Iam thirsty. Iam sleepy. My hand and so sore.
ok. i got home, quckily ran upstair to change diaper. I thought somebody would follow up and give me a hand. but nope.
i got no wet tissue at all. and i cant stand up coz my hands and feet are stuck holding my baby so that she doesnt flip over, which her pup already quite a mess.
They just went out straight away...
how devastated i feel?
i really dont know why...
i couldnt shout. i couldnt cry. i couldnt angry nor vent my anger out. There, he doesnt care, you are not allowed thats all.

why i kept saying that i have a failed marriage?

here are what happend in my marriage life, tell me if you think which is good for your marriage:

- we dont hugs, kiss, not even hold hands

- we dont share stories, its always im talking to air. I have to respond to his talking, i have no interest in politics, stocks yet i have to learn / pretend to like it.

- He & I we dont click, no communication. Always being forced. 

   He feels i force him stay at home.

   I feel he force me suit his way.

- We, almost sexless. I CANT recall when the last time we made it. even if it did happen, always 1-sided and very2 quick. 

- we dont sleep facing each other, dont even think about touching each others

- We hold our own phone till we fall asleep. And 1st thing in the morning is still checking our OWN Precious Mobile Phone.

- We have different view in family. 

   I need loads of Love

   He need tons of Money

- Need not to say, we have no common-activity. 

   he likes news channel, counter strike, 9gag, porn sites, glued in his vip office, driving for hours, stick to his mommy & daddy. Do whatever he likes anytime he likes.

    I ? anything that opposites memtioned above.

I value my husband, i tried very hard to suit him, i can speak his language, but he doesnt speak mine. i can name his favourite shows & artist he doesnt know mine. 

I dont ask money, i dont wish him rich, all i always ask from him is Love. 

I want a simple loving family, where my husband always available at home after work, we cuddles we talk we share we laugh most of the times. Respect & appreciate each others, play fair share in marriage & family eg.helping each other the best we can. Solving problems increase intimacy between spouse and getting close to God together in unity. 

None of the above, we can achieve.

He only have love for himself and money.

Practicaly, i live in loneliness and exhausted. 

So.. who likes my marriage?

who want to have such a marriage?

Tell me... am i wrong asking for divorce ?

I feel angry. towards my situation & condition that i couldnt change.
I hate to see hate to hear all those.
I'm angry i cant even spend when i have worked so hard, there's no bonus, salary rise nor any shit treat for being hardworker. Its like in everyone eyes, they see a huge sign on my forehead that reads : Its part of her Job
Its a job that has no stated time, you have to work 24/7 for my case its almost unpaid, no bonus whatsoever, no promotion, no dignity, no respect, no better future, no happiness.

Iam so tired. when will these ends ?
when i am gonna be happy ?
forever i am just a trash to you, my purpose is only to care for your kids. i should just shut the fuck up because we all have to be very thankfull we have been fed and sheltered.
Ok i am trying and will keep on trying to Zip my mouth. but your control only up to that, no one will pour its heart from you ever since there wont be any good in your method. All you seek in this marriage is only slavery & submission.

Dear Luna i just woke up from a dream, quite vivid untill now, i want to share it here.
There's young me, entangled with 2men who are real brothers. Iam the official girlfriend of the older brother which is a boring type who doesnt make you laugh but hold you tightly and kiss you dearly.
While his little brother is a funny guy & love having fun.
When i open my eyes, i feel sentiment over that dream. This is what we are, or should i say this is what happend to us from young till aged.
When we were young, we want excitement always something new, always seek for amazement.
while after have kids, you need a man who hold you dearly kiss you with love. a man who doesnt fun but can lead a peacefull home.

Another Lonely Teary nights

http://www.peacefulhusband.com/things-a-husband-does-that-make-their-wife-feel-unloved/

Every point stated there he did to me, no surprise. Yet he thinks iam a bad bad wife. Whatelse is left in this marriage?

Always made Lonely

What you want, you can get it.
what i want, always have to forget it.
No one understand, no one include you ever care, how much tears i shed at night when everyones are asleep.
You made me wonder why i am here.
why i wake up and sleep with so much loneliness.
Iam already hopeless.
the thing that i ever want from you will never there for me, ive wasted my life.

Life is so unfair.
Some people everyday goes out, everyweek went out to city meets friends & hangout, how much she spent? she gets home happy and keep her mind happy for the rest of the week. Some people can go hometown, can leave her son and go out on her own, go where she wants, buy what she needs, meet anyone she can. her siblings often comes to visits, she doesnt spent ?
Me, there's no some of me, coz no one can be so stupid as me. No going out, no shopping even step into mall, no friends to hangout, no need spent on coffee & tea. Just occasional dining at restaurant, i have to hear nasty words. sarcastic remarks. Even everyday already so bored to death at home, playing games, watching free drama shows still invites sarcastic remarks, its so sickening. How can a person so sick? he has freedom, yet treats his spouse like a guard dog- leashed and neck being tied around its small dog house only could move around its own house.
Everyday is so tiring, he just goes out when he happy, doesnt need to consider small baby, doesnt need to pack anything just Go. how nice!
iam so dead sick of this man. how can a husband at this year 2016 soo sickening selfish?
how long more i have to keep enduring?
iam alive but living so dead.
what he wants from me!!
Even iam just stay home, he humiliate me in so many ways, but if i want to buy anything he'd not be happy. he decides everything!! then he complaints about me.
what the heck??? just say you want me to dissapear! you want your kids, you want them being care in good hands, but you dont want their mom! I hate you

You are not just a pet.
How many words i type, the journey that you and i ever shared no other human ever know. My dear, although plenty that i couldnt make it up to you.. how much i wish you hear it. How much i wish you to be happy. You had left.. in an uncared way, i really am sorry, i really am helpless, i really am so heart broken. Ive always afraid of this day, recent years i couldnt pamper you.. i always afraid that you'll be hurt if i treat you well, because i had no choice but to leave you in a care of other person. Dear.. what should i really do? what should i do to make sure you could go to the side of God ? My heart so painfull... you really are precious to me, but i didnt fight for you, its my bad, iam so regret. I couldnt stop my mind the last moment we seeing each other. you already so thin and painfull, yet i didnt know! iam so angry to myself that i did not realize that.. please please.. let me make it up.. please please God.. i will read you prayer, please God.. Please.. please pity her. please please pity her.. she really was a good doggy, she really really pitiful. Please take care of her from now on, please.. hear me out God. i beg You..

My brain is so pain ive been up for 20hours, i dont know how to stay alive tommorrow. I hate everyone, i hate my life, i hate my choice, i hate my destiny. I hate that person who put me in this situation. I hate every empty words he ever said. I hate myself always believing it.

No Love

Good morning Luna
My chest feels so heavy, i need to pour my sorrowness out.
Im getting old, and many life facts iam being force to accept. Married and having kids, they drown you badly 1st your body ruined since you gotten pregnant. Nobody wanna touch you but you keeps hearing nasty remark like "your feet is swollen!", "your tummy is so huge!" "you walks like a penguin" wont you be hurt? These are one of the reason i never feel happiness at all times.
Got my belly cut open to delivers the baby, it took me 3-5months to feel the pain, the lower tummy feels numb all the time, when you poke, it'll be painfull. All those tiring and sleepless day & night draining my energy, eyes swollen and dark circles are so thick. No one comfort you, nasty hurtfull remarks awaits.
Then, he only shows you more n more hurtfull acts. He tell his child i love you, but not to me he did everything he could for his daughther but not me he kiss them countless but not once for me. So what i am to you?!
Leave the kids in my care, play with them when you feel like doing it. Going out, you want to be with other people instead of me.
How you expect my reaction to all these. I feel like someones is pushing me real hard telling me i should realize iam just so worthless that i should die rightaway then i will not be the pain in the neck to you.

Dear Luna-san...
although iam so aware of whats inside his heart for me. Iam very hurt, but its nothing new to me. The more i see, probably would help me reach enlightment soon. Honestly o keep holding my tears, seeing how its so easy being him, okay myself.. its okay, lets just close my eyes, close my heart, close my ears, lets just listen to my own voice "forget him" letting go of him please...

Loneliness you cant bear

When you watch romantic movies, and you are so aware that every scene were just fantasies. Listen to love songs, your mind telling you there's no such person alive in this world~my world. Can anyone understand what kind of life i have been living in ?
Many times, iam angry to God, why?
When i 1st met him, i was size xs, i weight 45kg. Today everything change, and why is it my fault? If marriage supposed to be blessings and childbirth supposed to be wonderful womanhood experience, why doesnt he appreaciate?
why this body keeps feeling extreme tired, it change into a horrible shape, it no longer holds and you are incapable of bringin anything back.
I hate my life, i really do.
looking at my reflection, i have only why's which never been answered.

Im so hurt.. so pain..
have i slept? i dont recall it.
Dear Luna... nothing can be done right? ive did my biggest part for this many years. I have to remind myself there's really nothing more can be done.
How am i gonna be even more hurt if i dont walk away from him now.
I havent eaten today, but i dont feel hungry, my heart hurts like hell, i wish i could stab something right into it, i feel so sick the moment i opened up that folder seeing those pics. I was the one create that folder name, i was the one change that folder's icon too...
i know you'd watch those.
i read the words 'frequent' i found a yellow folder named videos, i opened it out of curiosity, i want to puke instantly, but i was rocking my baby in my arm, the world fell on me so heavy. I need an explanation, yet you playing words with me, very soon my mind start goes viral, all those words i have believed became a great hammer keeps hitting me words by words.
I recall there's one night i found you search for porn, the samendevastated moment i had to face but just many months ago. Do i have to ask him for money again to make him scared for few weeks, or he probably would evolve into much more secure mode from me, ive lost all hopes God. Looking at my crying baby on my hand, another keeps calling me mama.. mama.. oh yes, she hasnt eaten too. but my legs are so weak, my ear sounds so distant to her voice.
Dear God, how.... how should i make him feel how i feel, how would he finally realize how much PAIN im having? why cant i just die... why not just leave the kids aside, im not sure if im able to stay sane tommorrow when they wakeup from their sleep.
I wanna die.. let those who have better lives have my life.
I was happy for a moment this noon, i did not scold my girl, and the young one smile so sweet to me. I took the picture, looking at these 2 girls, i prayed to you God, please let them find happiness that their mommy never have. Dont let their life go wasted just like mine, because i love them, i sacrifice my happiness to bring them up. I'll kill any bastards who dare to take them for granted. I did pray silently in my heart to you God, You heard that right ? So why.... this moment of truth hit me so hard.
I couldnt sleep even i close my eyes, i couldnt stand straight because my energy has drained i havent slept since 2days ago! i didnt eat!
I try to resist the idea of popping another pills, im so afraid of myself right now, i have to keep shaking away the little voices in my head telling me to swallow all the pills on my drawer. or simply bang my brain to the wall. I couldnt lit my head up to look at my wedding photo, as if the two person in there were ghost calling me "come, tear this picture and burn it to ash".
Iam so in pain right now.. there is no corner to hide, i cant find anywhere safe at all. i have cover myself with blankets and piles with pillows why i feel so cold ???

Dear luna,
its almost 2am. I fell asleep while crying on the floor beside my sleeping child.
The 2months old didnt have proper feeding, the big sister didnt eat.
i keep asking myself what have i done to deserve all of these?
yesterday i didnt sleep. today i slept for 2hours then followed by another crying.

You are human while iam the pet dog being caged at home.
You just simply "when did i" "no youre not"
thats it. what power do i possess ?
that is why im so wanting to divorce... this marriage has ruined since long ago. It was a great mistake of me.
He has never love me, nor he will be.
I have been so much dissapoint thanks to him.
Life has been such as HELL all because of him.
Force myself to change to anyone related to him, surrender surrender surrender.
Why is my life so damned ?
Why is this urge to end my life is so huge ?

It has been many years like this. I wonder how i could express out all the oppression all these years. Iam so sick of them i swear, so sick of pretending and forcing myself to smile. If they alive, i really wish they are at the end of the world away from me. But reality are so damn cruel, how much disgust iam feeling i couldnt show it at all! After so many years, i still cant get my freedom, why get a damn car that price the same as a house, yet he didnt, no matter how many times ive mention about it, he just ignore me. He thought it isnt a great matter, he thought im just nagging as usual. Shall i stab a person to dead first so that he can realise how much depressed he and those bastards have made me?
All i ask if he could get me a place to stay away from them. I dont want a big place, i dont want many rooms! cause i dont want any of those shit to come at my doorstep!  Those are so shameless, like there's only 1 place to go, we are their slave, others are their prince & princess. So damn ironic.

Lonely Luna

I am a woman, i'd like to be pampered and being loved too !

I'm not born to live like a slave

I have needs too !

I knew it! they wont leave me alone. its my and our little family happy day but 'they' just couldnt let me have it. I hate them.

Everyone gotten what they wants...
except Me.
how am i not dissapoint especially to YOU ?
iam in everyway.
Physically, Financially, and especially my my mind & heart is in ruin. How much iam exhausted, how much iam angry deep down.

Do whatever you like!
talk like crap and your promise always a big LIE
Love your own family as much as you like, just dont involve MINE in there! your love ones is not mine! your family isnt mine too, why couldnt you understand bastard!
I risk my life having kids, i ruined my happy days for you now in living in eternal sadness and insomia, you still unhappy? You wanna make me worse than i already have, torture my mind makes me go insane.

One day iam gonna leave this world no longer needs to cry and sad everyday, hopefully in the next life, i will never meet those people. Whenever i think about my days are going to be real tough, it makes me want to end my life soon.

Tears are the most unbearable for me coz it show how much iam being controlled by the fuck of this damn family. Its 2016 already, still lots of woman arent treated like a human just like me.
We married our husband not because parents are poor, nor because they offer big sum of money, neither they leave you huge inheritance yet, its one guy you had your ceremony but you're married to whole family behind him. That moment you finished your wedding ceremony, your whole life is bound like a slave. Cant speak words you want to, cant do what you like, cant live the way you want. You keep wonder, whats the point of living, whats the point of having kids ?

Dear Luna,

iam stress

i cant take these burden i feel so useless and so tired of my life as if it really has no single meaning at all. I cant survive this place alone, i cant expected anything from my husband, and i am so alone.

Im making loads of sacrifices that others wont do, no matter how i regrets about it everything will not change according to my needs, life never side onto me, situatuon always push me to the corner as if wanting me end my life soon. My body is tired, my heart is hurt and my mind is ruined.

 

I didnt get a boy and i swear iam terribly upset by it.
why does other people get it without any hassle ?
I shouldnt be the one being blamed, but Yes they blame me!!
I am so sick of hearing "how nice woul it be if its a boy" yeah, fuck yes it would be really damn nice i know it too. How desperately i was before this, i even think of killing it if it isnt a boy at 3mth old. But God always like this, always play a prank on me, that i only know the actual result at 5th mths old.
I dont understand how giving me another girl would help me from my situation now. OR maybe, i owe this girl another sin in my previous life Again??

Guek Lai Nightmare

Saat pertama kali gua pakai aie guek lai, gua stress berat ampe nangis2 ga tahan sama perangainya. Malas.Penipu.Pencuri.Tukang Tidur & Kasar sama baby.
Sejak hamil ke - 2, setiap kali tidak bisa tidur pasti khawatir soal guek lai yg akan datang ini.
Dan sedihnya, saat sudah dekat lahiran, saya dengar dari temen bahwa mommy yg sedang dijaga calon bibi gueklai ku ini stress dibuatnya. Saya pingin sekali tidak pakai jasa bibi gueklai, tapi suami tidak mau mendukung sama sekali sedangkan saya lahiran via cesar.
Sekarang ini baru hari ke 6, bibi gueklai baru kerja 5hari disini. Saya tidak bisa tidur, ngoroknya luar biasa keras. baby eek selalu tidak mau dibersihkan sampe baru2 hari ke 2 kerja baby sudah kena ruam. Padahal sudah pakai popok, tapi tetep malas ganti, supaya mudah, nyusui baby langsung dari box tidak dipangku juga tidak disendawakan.
Saya jadi pingin berhentikan dia tanpa tunggu 1bulan, namun tidak tau bagaimana.
Apakah semua jasa gueklai seperti itu?
mengapa orang lain bisa tahan 1bulan, saya tidak ?
Bicaranya sok banget, sok hebat sok pinter & terlalau dibuat buat deh.

Luna chan
4am & havent sleep at all

Too many things i must worry
Too much ridiculos things happens before my eyes
Too much injustice i cant stand, but iam helpless

Manis luarnya belum tentu manis dagingnya
Cantik kau lihat belum tentu baik hatinya
means:
Dont judge a book by its cover
Dont you think sweet talk people really sweet inside out.
Dont you only loves a person just because she always sweet talk to you, and pretending they cares about you.
I dont need your love actually, but i hate the most just because i didnt pretend, you keeps attacking me in any directions!
You keep thinking you're the best, you can keep on torturing me, whether i die because you ruin my life, or i live in misery all thanks to you, one fine day you'll die too. Humans all die some day, and i wont shed tears for you and i am very sure, those you think they love you dearly, will even laugh out loud in front of your deadbody and hapily enjoying how much you've been cheated by their fake sweet words. ha ha ha

It is raining tonight its 2am.
This is lonely me
I wonder what have i done to them? makes them hate me so much, that they doesnt realise how much they have hurt me?
How much i wish they never appear before me.
Since they doesnt like me, then why keeps pestering me then?
Iam so powerless, not because im afraid of them i dont live begging their money, i thrive and i earn of my own, iam forced to keep silence is because i respect my husband. Yet, every each of them never respect my husband at all, coz they dont see me as a family member.
So anyone who good at sweet-talk will be loved dearly, i know this too well.. the one & only great evil in my horror story is that Evil Lady.
She is so blind that she always listen to those who sweet talk her, she didnt know that behind her back, the sweet talk ones is even far more lethal than she could ever imagine.
Fine, i dont give a damn about that. She can eat those sweet words till she die, i wont stop her. But she always makes my life so miserable, why does life is so damn unbalance?
Why cant they just perish ?

The Lonely Moon

At least Moon has the company of stars, probably she's not lonely at all.