i will forwver be the one at fault.
im so sad.
i wish to runaway.
iam so hopeless.
why treat me like a garbage.
live like a dog.

you ever lose to yourself ?

sickening indeed.
he chats is good, nothing wrong nothing bad, he can judge, he wont do anything bad, midnight to morning to night again they can keep chit chat. look at his phone and smile.
me, with school mommies, is a sin. dont know whether i really befriend with aunties. everyday i eat good food. i should stop looking at my phone because i have to settles the kids.
told him so much about the damned maid.
told him how difficult i have to deal. so what? after all its still back to ZERO. its still back to his decision, still about using her. or get another HER. what the fucking difference it will make ??
cant vent anger, coz i will not win. i would be end up crying or hurt many sides, and he will be the one feels nothing. Great huh.
what a great choice of men.
what a great years of life i have endured and years of many more i have to endure.
what a loving husband i got there.
sick.

Dear God...
what kind of faith i must have in you?
you dont answer me, how i know what to do....
asking him is also pointless..
Shall i go underworld to ask for answer?
All these times, all i did not for him??? then for whooo!!
he eat well sleep well, doesnt have to wash clothes, iron scrub floor. whoo does for himmmm...
this world is so cruel.
he is so cruel.
what he did to me?
what he ever gave me???
all these years he always made me cry and cry even louder.
iam so sad.. i am so stupid..
i wish to go my lord..
i just wonder what about my kids..
i want my kids to happy.
i dont want them to live in loneliness just like my childhood.
just because of money, my whole life is ruined

Its soo tiring, not enough sleep. Morning preparing my kid to school, when she come home, i didnt get to sit and sip a glass of water. Quickly go out, purposely bring out the small stoller so that i need not to carry my baby, Yet! one great man always mess with my plan. Fine. i carry her, iam sooo tired!!! i quckily wanna go home, yet he said need to run to town, then reach the town he didnt bring the keys.
Baby already so sleepy but didnt want to sleep in her car seat. iam soo tired...i have to hold my phone along the way,it was so damn long. Iam thirsty. Iam sleepy. My hand and so sore.
ok. i got home, quckily ran upstair to change diaper. I thought somebody would follow up and give me a hand. but nope.
i got no wet tissue at all. and i cant stand up coz my hands and feet are stuck holding my baby so that she doesnt flip over, which her pup already quite a mess.
They just went out straight away...
how devastated i feel?
i really dont know why...
i couldnt shout. i couldnt cry. i couldnt angry nor vent my anger out. There, he doesnt care, you are not allowed thats all.

why i kept saying that i have a failed marriage?

here are what happend in my marriage life, tell me if you think which is good for your marriage:

- we dont hugs, kiss, not even hold hands

- we dont share stories, its always im talking to air. I have to respond to his talking, i have no interest in politics, stocks yet i have to learn / pretend to like it.

- He & I we dont click, no communication. Always being forced. 

   He feels i force him stay at home.

   I feel he force me suit his way.

- We, almost sexless. I CANT recall when the last time we made it. even if it did happen, always 1-sided and very2 quick. 

- we dont sleep facing each other, dont even think about touching each others

- We hold our own phone till we fall asleep. And 1st thing in the morning is still checking our OWN Precious Mobile Phone.

- We have different view in family. 

   I need loads of Love

   He need tons of Money

- Need not to say, we have no common-activity. 

   he likes news channel, counter strike, 9gag, porn sites, glued in his vip office, driving for hours, stick to his mommy & daddy. Do whatever he likes anytime he likes.

    I ? anything that opposites memtioned above.

I value my husband, i tried very hard to suit him, i can speak his language, but he doesnt speak mine. i can name his favourite shows & artist he doesnt know mine. 

I dont ask money, i dont wish him rich, all i always ask from him is Love. 

I want a simple loving family, where my husband always available at home after work, we cuddles we talk we share we laugh most of the times. Respect & appreciate each others, play fair share in marriage & family eg.helping each other the best we can. Solving problems increase intimacy between spouse and getting close to God together in unity. 

None of the above, we can achieve.

He only have love for himself and money.

Practicaly, i live in loneliness and exhausted. 

So.. who likes my marriage?

who want to have such a marriage?

Tell me... am i wrong asking for divorce ?

I feel angry. towards my situation & condition that i couldnt change.
I hate to see hate to hear all those.
I'm angry i cant even spend when i have worked so hard, there's no bonus, salary rise nor any shit treat for being hardworker. Its like in everyone eyes, they see a huge sign on my forehead that reads : Its part of her Job
Its a job that has no stated time, you have to work 24/7 for my case its almost unpaid, no bonus whatsoever, no promotion, no dignity, no respect, no better future, no happiness.

Iam so tired. when will these ends ?
when i am gonna be happy ?
forever i am just a trash to you, my purpose is only to care for your kids. i should just shut the fuck up because we all have to be very thankfull we have been fed and sheltered.
Ok i am trying and will keep on trying to Zip my mouth. but your control only up to that, no one will pour its heart from you ever since there wont be any good in your method. All you seek in this marriage is only slavery & submission.